#im miserable without her. shes just constantly on my mind all day everyday

[nyelaexe]

One thing I will always appreciate about my mom is that she never judged me for my hyperfixations through the years. She gave me room to love whatever I wanted to. She never made fun and she never thought I was weird. She always supported me and, in fact, she even enjoyed them with me.

She'd watch One Direction music videos with me when I was a teenager. She even took me to see the 1D movie in theaters on a school day and she saved her movie ticket. I hate that I wasn't able to find it when we cleaned out her apartment. I remember her crying at the party where Zayn bought his mom a house. To this day she would listen to History. She sent me a link to the mv in August and reminisced on the days when life was easier.

In my later teenage to young adult years she would watch kpop videos with me. We would watch BTS and Astro videos in her room. I remember after Jonghyun passed away I watched Before Our Spring for the first time with her because I was too sad to watch in on my own. She ended up really liking BTS and she'd call me into her room whenever they were on TV. I have videos of her in my phone dancing to Move by Taemin.

We'd even watch anime together. We watched about 7 or 8 episodes of Death Parade and she really liked it. I didn't think she really cared all that much but every now and again she would bring the show up and tell me how much she like it. I hate that we were never able to finish all 12 episodes.

I always thought she'd pretend to be interested in my hobbies to humor me. Whenever I would go to her room and pull up kpop on the TV or watch Sohyang performances with her I would apologize and tell her "I know you don't really care, we don't have to watch if you don't want to." And she would always tell me to stop saying stuff like that. She was so happy to just hang out with me. She was interested in the things I like because I liked them and they made me happy. My brother would make little jokes about my interests from the time I was like 9 years old and obsessed with Justin Bieber. I know they were just jokes but, being a little black kid, I always felt weird about the media I consumed. My mom never made me feel like I was doing anything wrong by liking what I liked. I was able to explore all kinds of stuff and I'm so grateful to her.

[alucart]

actually fuck it lmao

got hired late september. started actual work in october. started off as a seasonal worker. every day i woke up for work i was dreaded it. it was so much work. i was fatigued everyday but i still had to give it my all or else i was "lazy". if i moved too slow i was considered rude to customers. if i dont smile im rude. if i take a minute to process something then "something is wrong with me." like. Okay. lmao.

obviously when applying for jobs i dont list the fact that im bipolar. hell, i probably have adhd. but beside the point, the fact i have to act a certain way just to keep a job thats barely paying me shit was so. annoying. the fact that while working seasonal i had to put up with so much shit was ridiculous. november and december was so awful. im still mad i had to wake up at like 4am to get to work at 5am and then the store wasnt even busy until 12am. and we had to wear red and make sure everything was perfect bc the ceo was coming to the store? LMAO?

after my seasonal hours were over i thought i was free. i wasnt working for like two weeks but i at least got to spend time with my family. clean. take care of myself. i actually got back to drawing, something i havent been able to do for months. and then they called me back for a full time position. of course i took it because i wasnt finding anything else but it mightve been the worst mistake like ever.

like i must preface, that i got the job for the seasonal position in the first place without an interview, and like, yes i knew that was fishy at the start but also, ive been looking for a job for over two years so i was desperate. somehow the full time position was even worse than the seasonal position. my manager felt more annoying.

not to mention at this point they were making me do shit that i was never hired to do. why am i organizing clothes? i take returns? why are you making me cover in the handbags department? i work in returns and help people with online orders? why are you making me pack online orders? I WORK IN RETURNS, HELP PEOPLE WITH ONLINE ORDERS AND I HAVE PROCESS RETURNS FOR ORDER PICKUPS THAT WERE NEVER PICKED UP?

honestly madness. i had many breakdowns. over not wanting to go back to work. one time i had a stomach virus and had to stay home from work and was so miserable and literally panicking because i thought i could lose my job from being sick. i had a coworker that they also hired full time and she got fired because she "took too many breaks" meanwhile there was another coworker that took way more too many breaks.

while working there i saw many people get fired. like i dont know. and it was constantly understaffed. one time my manager asked me if i could work for 50 hrs one week and i told her "i'll think about it" only to find that weekend she changed my schedule without asking. (i had a breakdown that weekend).

when they had me set up my availability i had changed it so i would get mondays and tuesdays off because i realized i need two days off in a row instead of two random ass days and they didnt even. abide by that. and by the time it was like that on my schedule i already lost my job because i "violated company policy" because i accidentally scanned some fake coupons. which mind you, i never did anything wrong at the job beforehand so i shouldve really got a warning instead of being straight up fired.

but i honestly think they just wanted to get rid of me because i couldnt get enough people to sign up for a credit card, which again, i work in returns, so most people doing a return do not want to apply to a card. to expect someone in returns to have someone sign up for a fucking credit card everyday is insane. telling people that its not really a credit card is even more insane. the fact that im still stressed out over this because im fucking unemployed is. insane!!! and i dont even know if i can get unemployment. i feel like crying.

[chaotic-adhd-babe]

Heyo Lovely followers/ anyone reading this

Ive recently realized that I havent really told you guys much about myself (or anything at all- I havent even done an intro post) so here ya go if anyone wants to know

About me

I'm maddy! (She/ her/ hers)

Im in my early 20s

I have ADHD PI, diagnosed when I was 17.

I am chaotic all the way on the character alignment chart, But also my life is just chaotic.

I made this blog specifically to:

Connect with other ADHDers and find community through that

Learn about my ADHD as I recover and get my life sorted out from the hellish hot disaster-mess it was before, One day at a time

I'm applying to nursing school right now (ADHD in nursing school= God Help me😬)

Currently my adhd ass is unmedicated (pray for me) but hopefully I will be on meds before nursing school, and in the meantime Im reading You Mean I'm not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! (great book so far- I highly reccommend it to other ADHDers esp those newly diagnosed-its here) and Im collecting positive adaptive coping mechanisms and strategies like a damn packrat.

Here are some fun facts about my life:

I want to be a nurse

I need to go to nursing school to be a nurse

I'm scared shitless of going to nursing school more than anything else, except for maybe like losing my mom or something like that

Im trying to get accepted to nursing school anyways so I can be a nurse but doing that is... uuugh shitty and frustrating and it really Executives all of my Dysfunctions

Also lately I've been struggling with some god-awful anxiety, although I have no known disorders connected to this. I'm a beginner in dealing with anxiety (I see now that Ive had it for years But honestly this is the 1st time Ive identified it as that or started trying to manage it) and I'm seeing that there's a big learning curve with it. Even though it scares the hell out of me, Im not giving up!

When I was diagnosed and for a like a full 4 years afterward, I didnt know shit about ADHD. I got diagnosed and legit just decided to push that out of my mind for 4 years, I think because I wasnt ready yet to deal with all the shit that came with accepting that I'd been living with this damn disordered brain for my whole life without ever knowing about it. But recently Ive decided to start educating myself about ADHD. Since that time I have learned so damn much its amazing,

And now Im hyperfixating on it (Im not even sorry Lol), so if you have a question please ask! You're always welcome to drop asks here But I'm not a mental health professional and I have no psych degrees- I'm just a struggling, very frustrated, discouraged but still trying like hell everyday, simple ADHD bitch hoping for some better days ahead.

I am 1000% sure there are countless ppl on here who know way more about ADHD/ neurodivergence in general than I do, but I'll do my best. Now Im kinda thinking that my interest in ADHD might actually stick around for good too so that'd be cool

Im one of those ADHDers who's also introverted as hell and I consider my alone time to be on the same level as food and water. (at least regarding mental health)

Also I post about mental health and neurodivergence.

I realize that my ADHD has caused so, so many problems. My ADHD has completely wrecked havoc and caused all hell to break loose in all areas of my life. It's also made me feel miserable, and left me feeling like I am always, always constantly floundering and struggling to find stable ground. To be honest I am so so fucking frustrated and discouraged and ashamed and angry and insecure about the state my life is in right now, sometimes I dont know how I'm gonna get through the day without breaking down. I am so so damn sick and tired of living like this everyday.

But I want to get better more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I dont want to live like this anymore. No one should have to live like that. I'm still trying like holy hell everyday, and goddamnit Im gonna figure this shit out if it kills me. Watch me die trying if you'd like!

Im looking for interaction with other ADHDers and I made this blog so I could find community with people who have brains like mine and who struggle with things similar to what I struggle with, so really you are more than welcome to reach out to me.

Thank you for reading this post/ stopping by/ following me :) I hope you have a good day/night! Please try to go easy on yourself if you can.

[deuce-duce]

Hmmm where should I begin I think ill start with explaining a little bit about why I initially started writing this thing. Primarily because I was tired of being silenced while essentially people destroy my identity and character. But not in my local town or where I work... but the entire nation. Thats fucked up! No matter how you want to look at it. Its crazy that in todays society its OK to spew hate lies and deceit and everybody goes with flow... but the moment you start saying listen Idk what you have been told or what the latest gossip is but I can assure you its probably not what you think it is. As soon as that happens the whole world loses their minds...

The other reason I started writing is because although I don't necessarily want to put myself on a pedestal I think I might be a pretty rare individual. Over the course of the last four years with the show in full effect and the constant psychological and sexual abuse im put through is in full swing I haven't suffered from a TBI making it possible for me to figure this whole thing out without having my conscience memories taken from me to. That being said this is journey for me as well learning about myself and what this has done to me... whether you believe me or not that really is unimportant to me I just think that this story documented. Along with societal constructs and the amount of fuckery we actually involve ourselves in, without ever doing any research! And blaming the individual for telling the truth asking you to stop helping because your just making things worse. I'll explain further down what I mean.

Now I don't think im all that brilliant really i mean I think I am but in reality what you think of yourself is important but really doesn't mean shit if your told how dumb you are everyday or treated like shit because there's things you just can't do. Not that your incapable of doing them or don't know how to do them but because you literally suffer from multiple mental health conditions the primary condition being a dissociative identity. That being said, there is no medication no cure or any type of hope to ever not have to be worried about dissociating. The fucked up part about it is... is that my dissociative state isn't like normal dissociative states. Most dissociations can happen at anytime during the day or anytime the environmental triggers come into play and so its easier to diagnose and get the help one needs. Mine unfortunately from the hypnosis event that I explained to you is literally during the most vulnerable moments in anyone's life the one place your supposed to feel safe or at least do everything you can to keep yourself safe. But in no way am I able to do that... mine is triggered while I'm sleeping and its not just any trigger but is a trigger that another human being has to consciously do in a certain way to get me to dissociate.

I know for a fact that I don't dissociate on my own or sleep walk or anything like that because I lived with brittany for 4 years and would constantly ask her if I did anything out of the ordinary while I was sleeping. She would yell at me and tell me no &^%$# you barely move in your sleep! And so I would believe her because im sure she was telling the truth... later she would use this as a reason to start her plotting saying I didn't trust her and I would blame her for things like not keeping me safe... and i don't know what else but I'm sure it wasnt good. You don't create this type of carnage in someone's life because you have good memories with that person... or maybe she just didn't realize what exactly it was I was running from to begin with...

What I've just explained to you is to help you understand how fucked up I really am... even after being with someone for at least a couple years nothing going on... I still found myself doubting and worrying about not being safe. And thinking that I had been betrayed yet again. Even though nothing had happened... its fucking crazy... crazy sad. I guess at this point I really had no idea how it all worked.. so you can understand my speculation. But now that I know it makes things different at this point though I don't trust a soul probably never will again.

Another good example of this was I was jn a state where I was still well known...! But didn't have to deal with the sexual and physical abuse just the nental... and ill tell you it literally took me a month to successfully hit on a woman and get her number and read signs properly her friend was telling us we needed to get married and that we were perfect for eachother... I thought so too! We got along really well and damn she was sexy! Whew!! Unfortunately I was running out of money I was staying at an air bnb and needed a job... out of all the places I applied to the only place u heard back from was the place I never wanted to return to... I just thought that maybe things would be different this time... unfortunately they werent... did my best to meet a woman and start dating but she knew who I was and the people who fucked with me and so she started playing games... instead of supporting me and doing with me what I needed to keep myself safe she started saying well were not having sex evertime we hang out setting expectations of us forming a relationship... and not just something casual. The only way I'm ever going to be in a relationship again is by that person who won't play silly games like I mentioned earlier... the last time we hung out she was dressed in a tight leather outfit makeup done and kept turning me down and saying I couldn't touch her after we had already had sex on our first date... but she wanted me for herself and was playing games although she was turning me down... she was like im just going to go to the bar after I drop you off and find something to do... im assuming somebody was more of the case... after that I didn't talk to her again.

So I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with addiction and what happens to a person psychologically during the event of getting intoxicated... I'll elaborate a little bit. It is documented that when an addict is getting high that their adrenaline and endorphins are higher while seeking out and preparing the drugs then when they actually get high. i think this is because of the chasing the first time paradigm. where one continues to get high because they are chasing the feeling they got when they did it for the first time... which never happens so they continue doing more and more until they either die or throw their lives away. this led me to think hmm if that's how the brain works I think it might be the same way for those experiencing pts. stemming from a lifetime of trauma. so if you believe....!!! what i have said already which i doubt but its really of no concern to me but just know i tried to tell you and explain knowing i did all i could is all i can do... back to what i was saying... if the brain works this way when it comes to addiction then id have to tell you that it is the same when it comes to pts.. So listen to this, the other side thinking to themselves.. although they probably wont admit it to the general public but this is their logic, ok...? well we know what we have done to him... and... yea... it is pretty messed up... but if he would just try... then it might be different and we would stop... haha well that's like saying the addict chasing their first time is actually going to achieve it even though its impossible because of all the damage they have already done to their minds and bodies... the only way one can get as close as possible to achieving that first high again is to abstain for a long enough time to establish and restore the chemicals that have been depleted over the course of the addicts drug use history. just like you cant expect me to do something that has caused me severe consequences, even though what I did was right... and acceptable and essentially the keys i need to free myself from the cage that i find myself in... today. that wasn't the case then. and with everything else being the same as then all i can do is associate the two and not screw myself over again and face the possibility of getting my head kicked in. as delusional as that might be its the truth. and with everything being the same as it was then I'm supposed believe that the things that's supposed to set me free isn't a trap haha good luck but if you want to know my criteria it would be doing the right thing!! lets see if you can figure it out!! oh and this doesn't only go for the woman ill be with but also for anyone trying to help me in any way shape or form.... sorry but its the only way i can be certain your not part of the machine!

not only that but people keep on keeping on with inflicting the psychological trauma on me getting me written up at work for harmless comments but as an employee at this business I can not give anyone a compliment while in uniform so please refrain from hoping ill make an effort at my job. I got in trouble for telling a girl she was gorgeous I didn't know she was only 16 but its not like i was asking her to fuck or coming at her in any type of sexual manner but she is friends with the woman causing all of this... saying I need to stop running my mouth. she even went as far as to say to me man that customer has a nice ass and me saying it doesn't compare to your yours and her saying my ass is flawless... then telling on me saying I kept telling her she had an ass of a goddess.. GTFO HAHA my boss started laughing like so you didn't say that... fuck no! I said what I told you I said. she's like alright oh and then apparently you cant tell another employee that they have pretty eyes either just a heads up! but its cool I'm over it I just cant believe I bring out the evil in so many people like man WHO AM I?? WHAT AM I NOT BEING TOLD?!?! I could care less honestly but I'm glad you go to such lengths to try and make my life miserable... i could only imagine what it must be like to actually be miserable... UGH... that would...suck.... i think a lot of this stems from my supervisor giving me three flat tires in one night and then acting like oh... did i give you a flat tire...??? then telling me your not that smart.... never said i was bro but instead turned it around on him telling him dude... don't downplay yourself... your smart!! over and over again. i told one of the other supervisors that i didnt think the guy that had been training me liked me and these were the reasons why but she is also a distraction. and told him exactly what i had said.

just so you guys know anytime that there is someone who likes me and i actually have a chance with. they have someone that is hotter then me maybe smarter or appeals more to the persons wants and desires through manipulation simply to keep them occupied while im in the area and then after i leave and then the person that would have been perfect for me gets dumped and is left all alone again... kind of like whe. Brian started dating brittany after we broke up...

another thing i should put into perspective is that what's wrong with me is a byproduct of child molestation and abuse that being said its ok to prey on something that was created to protect myself because now I'm an adult and i hold the keys... too bad my hands are missing!! since i was 6 when i started dissociating that means every time I'm in that state i go back to being a 6 year old boy... making those who take advantage of my split essentially child molesters... no matter how old i am!!

So how do you diffentiate the good from the bad...?? The bad people are the ones proclaiming and contantly trying to make others believe im gay. I mean i could really care less and tell you myself I'm gay but primarily because of the reasons I mentioned above. The funny thing is the bad people will be the first to be like we should help him... just so that they can be like see he's gay!! Wtf cares... the fact that they go out of their way to prove something that people have all ready seen with their eyes... is a little bit over kill don't you think?? J.s. be vigilant!

The funny thing about all of this is that the same process ensues from community to community and so for you to be led like sheep and ignore the guy going through it all is sorry for saying fucking Stupid!! But hey its cool

The other thing I can't understand is how you can walk by drive by and go out of your way to tell me how dumb or stupid or gay I am but not one person can be like yo whats up im such and such did you write this or that...? Really! But I'm supposed to do what none of you do!? Really cool keep going with that ill be thee idiot! The gay idiot! Thanks for reminding me though!! Maybe one day you'll be as gay as me!!

[hermemo-blog]

S H I F T

Is this evolutionary for me?

It’s a question I have recently realised I have been asking myself for a long time. Where will this next shift take me? How am I meant to trust that I am making the right decision? Does it feel right? Do you trust that feeling in the pit of your stomach? If the answer is yes, just leap darling. 

The past two years have been an absolute whirlwind. As a result this may be a long one, (it’s really just for me to get it all out). Let’s begin with a little background. December 2015, I was 20, and it was the first time I had felt an internal pull or what I now recognise as a direct message from my soul. Oh, and It wasn’t just a small message. I was screaming internally. I wasn’t happy, in fact I was miserable, my anxiety was winning and I was stuck in a repetitive pattern of self doubt and self hate. Growth wasn’t even an option, something had to change.

I now know that the universe was well aware of how i was feeling, I was asking for a sign, for change. Then one of my biggest dreams came true. Triggering a shift in me that I wouldn’t come to fully recognise until almost two years later. What I did see was a level of happiness and freedom that I hadn’t encountered before, and once I had tasted it, I knew that’s the feeling I needed to live in everyday. So, subconsciously, I set out to create it. 

I found the courage to end my, (toxic) five year high school relationship and within a few months, I had landed a new job. In a new city, whilst still completing my degree, with a brand new relationship. I was very suddenly watching the town I grew up in disappear in the rear view window of my also newly purchased car. To say I was leaping was an understatement, it scared the life out of me.

My new job, I thought it was my dream job. Which, looking back now, for that period in my life, it was. I stepped into a BIG company, that I knew would set me up for success in my career. Being the stubborn person I am, I couldn’t wait until I had a degree, I had to work straight away. Boy, I was thrown into the deep end. This little creative Libra was suddenly running marketing campaigns with targets that had a few too many zeros on the end. I discovered what it was like to drink three coffee’s a day, with minimal to no food, (because you don’t have time to eat). I became a yes woman, and as a result ended up doing two roles instead of one, (go figure!..). I had to drop out of multiple uni subjects (hello extra debt), and i was gaining weight quickly due to stress.  Everyone close to me didn’t quite get it, and it’s impossible to explain. The pace, expectations and level that you have to operate in, is not sustainable. I slowly began to watch people I had grown to love at work move on to other opportunities. Something in me knew that it wasn’t really making sense, BUT I had to make the most of my opportunity and get as much experience as I could. I had made the big move, I couldn’t just quit. I constantly told myself that this crazy culture was benefiting me somehow...

LESSON ONE

The right people will come into your life exactly when you need them to, trust the universe.

Just over a year in, I was still working two roles, our team was dwindling and I was in the midst of deciding if I should stick it out to two years, or quit right then and there. I was fighting to be paid fairly and i was wearing thin. When hired a new team member. Things didn’t stop, if anything they got more intense and more stressful, but I had a partner in crime. A #WORKWIFE and she taught me so much about trusting yourself, your gut and your intuition. To stand your ground, and to stick up for yourself. She’s a no bull shit kind of girl that’s not afraid to speak her mind, and little did she know, it was all this Libra needed. (Not to mention she is also a Swiftie and we struggle to find an interest we don’t have in common). Honestly, I would not have gotten through that second year without her by my side. 

LESSON TWO

It’s okay to step away, to find yourself.

You will be happy to know that I am writing this from my house surrounded by boxes, yep I’m moving back home. I have a new shift, a new role and it couldn’t feel more right. When I first moved I was running away from a toxic relationship which haunted every place i visited. I knew i needed to re-group, focus on me, build a life for me, so that I could come back stronger than before. It’s okay to say no, for you. It’s okay to decline an invitation, for you. It’s okay to disappear for a while, for you.

LESSON THREE

Never give your entire self over to a business/brand that isn’t yours

As said by the incredible Alison Rice, no matter how beautiful, how much love or how much respect you have for a brand/business. You cannot in any circumstance give your entire self to them. What would happen if you placed your wellbeing at the same level as your career? Balance is key.

LESSON FOUR

#BIGREPUTATION 

I was always the lovely, ever smiling, bubbly, humble, yes woman. Darling, some people are just not.good.people. They will manipulate, they will use and they will take advantage of you, over and over again. It’s hard to recognise these kinds of people at first, (It’s okay, I didn't). They hide behind a facade of compliments and lies that they use to build you up and trust them. They will act like they know everything about you and how you operate, and they aren’t scared to tell you this until you believe that they know you better than you know yourself. They will act as a guardian, a mother bird, who will always protect you. They won't. They spend their days playing their little game, perched upon their tilted stage. They will burn you at any chance they have, if it will benefit them. Do not trust these people.

But guess what? It’s okay to underline their name, you don’t have to play their game. Because you are smarter than they are. They can’t handle honesty, it’s a foreign concept to them. So darling, go around them. Strike them from behind, when they are least expecting it. You’re a snake darling, you only strike when you (or people you care about) get stepped on. It’s terrifying, but you will have the last say.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still that girl. Im still the romantic, humble and positive human that I was. I’ve just added back in my layer of self respect, self worth and trust in myself. 

LESSON FIVE

Don’t regret it, every event is a lesson if you will let it be.

I have learnt so much about myself over the past two years. I trust myself and my intuition more than ever. My anxiety does not rule me or my decisions anymore. I’ve embarked upon the journey towards sitting in my true self and I can’t wait to see where this next shift takes me.

Love, Memo